It's the best time of the year. With that, after the break, it’ll turn into immediate seasonal depression for the next 2 months. At least that's how it typically goes for me.
I'm living life in solitude these days. I recently purchased a small illustration for some wall decor that reads “Emotions Make Us Human” with an array of little faces showing common emotions. I haven't yet decided if it's for inspiration or my own motivation.
I don’t know that I believe in motivation. I think a lot of people who believe in motivation lie to themselves. I tend to lean more on the side of momentum.
I learned at an early age through sports that I expressed my emotions outwardly. I’ve learned for most of my adult life I don’t really understand my emotions and where they come from or how to deal with them.
2023 will be my 29th year living life. I’ve spent most of my 20’s confused. I’ve tried to narrow myself down into a couple categories of who I want to be and what I want to represent. I’m learning that's probably not going to happen and I’m trying to be OK with that.
I like to be very organized but I’ll do something at the drop of the hat if I think it'll make me enjoy life that day. I want to like waking up in the morning, but I can’t fall asleep at night making it impossible to be happy getting up early. I kind of want to buy a house out of town and live there forever. I kind of want to move to an apartment in New York for a year, then maybe somewhere warm, and honestly if my job allowed, I’d like to live in Ireland for a period of time.
I haven’t quite figured out if life is wonderful or if Wednesday Addams was right and the world is just a place to be endured. I tend to lean toward the latter. Life mostly feels as though you’re walking uphill on your treadmill with brief sections of goodness. I’m guessing those sections of goodness are how you feel when you look down at the clock and see you’ve been walking 5 minutes longer than you anticipated so you are that much closer to getting off the inclined moving pad.
It’s hard for me to decipher if I’m just not thankful enough or if I just expect this thing to be a little less bleak. But then I think about how much pleasure it brings me when the warm water cleans off the bottom of my pan effortlessly from the spices burned onto it after cooking, or how happy I get when the Indiana Hoosiers win a basketball game, and how after being emotionally drained while watching The Fallout Friday night I immediately got up, turned on my Spotify, and danced around my apartment alone listening to Happiness by The 1975 as I ate a cosmic brownie like an 11-year-old.
I enjoy the small things. I enjoy the big things. And I don’t necessarily think there should be more to life. I just think it should be easier. And happier.
There’s that uplifting idea that we should celebrate the small wins. Things like just making it through the year. Things like celebrating you had a good week. I’m a firm believer in that too. It also makes me sad that we have to beg ourselves to celebrate those things. I’m not trying to sound ungrateful, I just wish it didn’t have to be like that. Nevertheless, it’s what we continue to do. So I will too.
I’m excited to bask in the 2 holiday weeks that are ahead of us. I hope to use them as a time to enjoy waking up each day and spend it doing things that bring me as much happiness as The 1975 did on Friday night.
I’ll worry about the next 2 months when the time comes.
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